POSTCARDS OF LOVE

“ Mom what’s wrong? ”
“ Nothing ” she replied
“ Then why are you crying? ”

Laura Nicholson said nothing but just stared at the television. Her tears became uncontrollable sobs as she watched the crash of the private jet. There were no survivors. They were doing interviews of him, which brought back more memories. Her daughter Jennifer hugged her while they both watched the unfolding events. CNN panned to an overhead shot of the crash site. Altogether six people had died in the crash of the private jet in the Cayman Islands, which they attributed to a freak accident.

“ Mom did you know Alex Fuller? ”
“ Yes, I met him twenty five years ago ” Laura replied
“ How did you meet him? ”
“ At a wedding ” she replied
“ What was he like ” Jennifer asked
“ He had a great laugh. ”
“ Did you have an affair with him? ”
“ I went down to California to visit him ”
“ So what happened? ”
“ I told him I wasn’t sure and came back to Toronto ” she replied
“ Why weren’t you sure?”
“ Certain things he did, but I couldn’t tell him that. Didn’t want to hurt him”
“ That was it? Did you keep in touch?”
“ No. Not for the last twenty-five years ” Laura replied with a heavy heart.

That wasn’t true. She had thought of him for the last twenty five years. Thinking how rash her decisions were then. Unable to be receptive without feeling inferior, unable to be soft without succumbing to weakness and unable to be undemanding without fearing a lack of response. She had courted him, chasing him until she won him over finally. Attracted by the idea of him to the exclusion of appreciating the real him. She had not been able to accept her responsibility for the failure of the relationship. At least not then.

Impulsive, speaking her mind even as it hurt. Insensitive to his needs and feelings. But she was young. How could he have expected her to know what she wanted. He should have understood, he was the older one. The one with more experience and success. Cruelly she had stripped him of his ego trappings and the protective symbols of his masculinity, instead of accepting his humanity. Living and letting live would have been the better choice but she had not lived life to understand that concept.. He could have come for her. Given her the emotional support that she desperately wanted but was unwilling to ask for. Maybe helped her to admit and embrace her weaknesses. Could he have not understood the energy of her anger as easily as the energy of her love?

Her mind wondered to Nicole. Damn Nicole. She was the one who had put doubts her mind. Admonishing her for her quick decisions and for her impulsive behaviors. Nicole did not like Alex and made it clear. Alex tried but he was not entirely convincing. The day he had dropped her off in San Diego, she hadn’t wanted to let him go, fearing that she would lose him. Sensing her capability of destroying the relationship if she could not control it.

“ Mom let’s go. We are going to be late for dinner with John ”
“ Let me get dressed ” Laura replied.

Slowly Laura picked herself up and walked back to her room. She had let herself go a little, especially after Jennifer. It was too much to maintain the vigorous exercise regimen. The extra pounds put a strain on her left foot, which still ached after all those years. Her mind wondered back to Alex. He certainly had a knack for putting back the bone that popped out of her foot. A deft sensual touch to massage her feet. The memories brought back a fresh flood of tears.

“ Mom you are making me cry too, ” Jennifer said, as she walking into Laura’s bedroom
“ I’ll be OK. Honey, do me a favor, could you call the dry cleaners and ask if my suit is ready? ” Laura asked, frantically wanting Jennifer to leave her alone. To reminiscence and sob for her sorrow. Alone.

“ OK mom, but we have to talk about this ” Jennifer replied as she headed back to the living room.
“ Later ” Laura replied waving Jennifer away as she headed to the shower.

After Laura moved back to Toronto they grew distant. She had thrown herself into her career and used it as an outlet for her problems. He called once, a week later. She was polite but kept her distance, because she was not sure how she felt. Confused and unsure. She had called her mom and broke down. He sent a few e-mails. Two weeks later he sent the most haunting DVD of their experience in California. She cried and kept her control. Wanting to win. Slowly the e-mails grew fewer and fewer. Six months later he said he could not wait any longer and that was the last she heard of him.

The next few years were a blur for her. Jumping from relationship to relationship, until she met Jason her husband ,seven years later. They were married in a simple civil ceremony in Vancouver. By now she was teaching at U of T. Working for MTREE had been a great experience, but she had completed her Phd and decided to devote herself to the labor market issues, her passion. It was something she was good at. Her refuge from the conflicts of love.

Jason had been great at first. She thought she was happy. Then the fire had died. She got bored. Tired of the routine. Alex would have been different. Exciting. Full of life. But she couldn’t control him. Could not control the relationship like she wanted. She used to hate it when he was right. But she was young and impulsive. Having Jennifer was probably the best thing that had happened to her. It gave her an outlet as the relationship with Jason got difficult. Finally she asked him for a divorce, when Jennifer was six years old. In her early forties she mellowed down, accepting her anger as a catalyst. Learned to balance. She no longer cherished being in the position to slam the door on problems and arguments, because she now had no one to leave behind. She hungered for a solid re-union and her mind had turned to Alex more and more during these times. Terribly afraid of the loneliness.

The loneliness exacerbated by the unsigned postcards that arrived every few years. They came from Cape Town, Rome, Machu Pichu, Budapest, Sydney and many other places. They didn’t say anything personal. Just a short description of the place and a few comments about the locals, comments about a particularly good restaurant or a good art exhibition. She knew it was him. Every time she received a postcard, her heart would beat so violently, she thought she would have a heart attack.

John was already at the restaurant, when Laura and Jennifer got there. He was a fine young man. Talented, educated and doted on Jennifer. But her daughter was having doubts. Laura was not sure what advise to give her. How could she, when her own life had only been half the life she had promised herself?

“ Hello Mrs. Nicholson ” John said giving Laura a peck on her cheek
“ Hi John, sorry we are late ”
“ Mom was crying for Alex Fuller. Did you see that crash? ” Jennifer asked John
“ You knew Alex Fuller? ” John asked surprised
“ Yeah, a long time ago ” Laura replied
“ Mom had an affair with him ”
“ Let’s talk about you guys, ” Laura said deftly changing the topic of conversation
“ There is nothing to talk about. Let’s order dinner ” Jennifer said not wanting the focus to be on her.

They had a great dinner. Still one of Laura’s favorite foods. Japanese. Her mind wondered back to the Ahi Sashimi Tuna salad that she had long ago. On a perfect day at Paradise Cover. Malibu Beach, California. She had never tasted anything so good. That was their first day. The middle of their first twenty hours together. Oh God I can’t take this anymore Laura thought to herself, as another tear slowly trickled down her face. Quickly she wiped the tear before John saw it. After dinner they went to the latest Circe the Soleil show at the massive new theatre complex in the heart of Toronto. The city had changed too. New developments and an entirely new culture. An exciting multicultural mix that was happy with itself finally. Echoing his journey in many ways. Alex had told her once that the people of Canada had the bunker mentality. Hiding in their bunkers during the harsh winters that robbed them of their zest for life. Robbing them of their individuality to focus on survival. Was that what she did?

It was nearly a month after the crash that she got the letter, requesting her presence at the law offices of Mathew, Graham and Cooper. Regarding a bequest to her from Los Angeles. There was a prepaid electronic airline ticket inside and a hotel reservation at the Beverly Wiltshire hotel. She called the office and made an appointment, curiosity getting the better of her.

The flight to Los Angeles was a direct flight. First class. The hotel sent a limousine to pick her up from the airport. It was just like she remembered. But this time LAX was very different. It had been totally rebuilt after the last earthquake had destroyed it. Suddenly Laura felt unbearably lonely. So alone in the world. She looked for traces of the old LAX, but there was nothing. Gone was the lighted pillars at the entrance to the airport. So was the 60’s style airport restaurant. Gone. Not a trace. Almost as if it was never there before. But she had been there. Picked up by a man who loved her. Kissed her gently at the baggage carousal on a warm evening almost at the end of summer. A young girl who had been at her impulsive best. A girl who was fleeing the tangled web of one love into the complexity of another. Knowing little of the disappointment that was to follow. But dreaming of Santa Barbara. Excited at the possibility of him.

“ Good morning Mrs. Nicholson ” the receptionist said to Laura with a smile
“ Actually it’s Ms. Lindstrom ” Laura replied
“ Oh I am sorry, I thought you still used your married name ”
“ How did you know who I was? ”
“ Because you are a very important client ” she replied
“ Please take a seat Ms. Lindstrom. Mr. Cooper will be with you shortly. Could I get some tea of coffee? ”
“ No thanks ”

What did she mean by client? The law offices of Mathew, Graham and Cooper were impressive to say the least. On the 61st floor of the California Plaza, in the heart of Los Angeles. But the security procedures to get up there was incredible. First she had take the elevator to the 41 floor and then a private elevator to the 51st floor. Then another elevator, this time manned by a security guard to the 61st floor followed by a scan of her fingerprint and eye for entry into their offices. My goodness Laura thought to herself. This is tougher than getting into Fort Knox. She had almost walked out.

“ Ms. Lindstrom, my name John Cooper ” the man smiled, extending his hand to shake hers.
“ Nice to meet you ”
“ I am so glad you came, please follow me ” he replied guiding her down a vast hallway with a gentle touch her arm.

John cooper was a handsome man. Tanned, extremely fit and dressed in an impeccable black suit. Most probably in his early sixties. He guided her though a maze of corridors until they came to a conference room. There were two people seated at the conference table. A man and a women. And a stainless steel case, the size of a briefcase sitting on the highly polished Walnut wood conference table.

“ Now Ms. Lindstrom, I am sure you know why you are here ”
“ It’s about Alex isn’t? ”
“ Yes ” he replied with sigh.
“ We have been instructed by Alex Fuller’s estate to give you this case. Ms. Logan and Mr. Davidson each hold a key that together with the key in our possession will open the case. None of us have been privy to the contents of this case, so we will step back after we unlock the case”

She kept quiet. Unable to speak. Her heat beating at a million beats per second. A flurry of emotions that cascaded into her heart like a knife. Her hands became sweaty, her eyes flushed with tears and her breathing labored.

“ First we need your signature on this document ”
“ What am I signing? ” she asked
“ Oh it’s merely an acknowledgment that we have delivered this sealed box to you at our offices and you are satisfied that the contents of this case have never been opened. As you can see the seal on the case has not been broken. If you are satisfied that such is the case, please sign here ”

She signed it without even looking at the document. Then all three of them inserted their keys, unlocked the case and stepped back. Laura looked at the briefcase for the longest time. Afraid to confront what was inside the briefcase. They said nothing. Kept quiet. It was a heavy case. Bullet proof perhaps. Beautifully leather lined on the inside. It even had a light that illuminated the inside as she opened it. There were four recessed slots inside the case, each carefully crafted to hold a particular item and only that item.

In the Center slot there was a California Picture Postcard, to the left of that a diamond engagement ring from Tiffany & Co, to the right an earring and a black envelope below everything else. She recognized the earring instantly. Even after all these years. It was the earring he never gave her. The earring that got misplaced on the their first date when he gave it her with some other gifts.. He said he had found it later only for it to get washed with his laundry or so he said. She started to sob again, while John Cooper and the others waited in silence. Only her sobs could be heard in the quiet conference room.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity, she picked up the postcard. Turned it over, and read the back through the blur of her tears.

“ Well this is it Laura. The last postcard. If you are reading this, the inevitable has happened. Perhaps a bit earlier than I had anticipated. But I had a good life. Better than most people could dream of. It would have been perfect with you. But C’est la vie. One cannot hope for everything. Attached you will find a check, which should allow you to lead a very comfortable life. I am sure you have kept all the postcards. This would be an excellent opportunity to visit the cities in the postcards. Trace parts of my journey and live what could have been. Yes you may take the pool boy as a companion. LOL. I want you to feel the joy. An incredible joy that will touch my soul as I watch you make that journey from the heavens. I have also made arrangements for Jennifer over the years, so she should be comfortable too. Make sure she doesn’t make the mistake we made. Please don’t cry. I am in a good place now. Love Alex ”